Band of Brothers

I spent the day watching Band of brothers on Bluray. I realized two things. One. Bluray and an HDTV is the only way to go. Wow it looks amazing. Two. I miss the army. Its strange. Here is this show that captures the worst that the army has to offer. War, Death, Fear, and it makes me miss the army so much. I remember the feeling I had when I graduated from AIT. I was standing there in my class A’s with a group of guys that had gone from total strangers to people I would die to protect. Its impossible to put into words the sense of pride you have standing there with your platoon. It was a time in my life where I really felt that I had a purpose and direction. I think its something that if you haven’t been through you probably wouldn’t be able to understand. Its funny how things that you go through that were so hard you look back on fondly. There is a part of me that will always be a part of Bravo 5/18. First of the 31st. 

Fear and loathing in Fayetteville

I started this blog because I felt that I needed a place to vent. Somewhere I could just let things out. Then I wound up not ever writing here. I have felt so negative lately that I just didn’t bother writing anything. To be honest lately I have just been a total wimp. I have been living in fear and self loathing. I hate where my life is at the moment and I have just been to afraid to do anything about it. I spend my life dreaming of the future and living in the past. I waste so much time and energy pouring over stupid mistakes that I have made. Its not going to be easy but I have to make a change. I can’t go on just treading water. I need to swim and not worry so much about drowning. Now if only I can get it from the page to my life. 

one more thing. Thanks for kicking me in the butt. You are a good friend.

All I want to know

I have spent the last few hours laying in bed with my laptop on my chest just listening to music and thinking. I am in such a strange mood. I have been thinking a lot about my life. What I want. Who I think I am. Stuff like that. I feel so alone right now. I think about my friends and family and I realize that none of them really know me. No one knows the true me. Is it that way for everyone? There are the things that I say are important to me and then there are the things that really are. I hate that I cant tell people the things that matter to me. I feel like I always have to be what people expect of me. That is just such a cop out. Here lately I have felt so lost. I think its because I am always what people want me to be. I wish I had the strength to just be who I am, or at least who I want to be. It is funny how much I relate to music. If it wasn't for my ipod I think I would go insane. I have songs that define me. The music that means the most to me I feel like I have to keep to myself. If I let someone I care about hear it and they didn't get it then it would be like they didn’t get me. If you really ever want to know me just look at my favorite playlist. So am I messed up or does everyone feel like this? 

Magnetic Fields.....All I want to know......Go listen. (we all know you wont)

wasting time

I am in such an odd mood. I have so many things running through my mind I feel like I am going to burst. I have been siting here staring at the screen listening to music wanting so bad to just let things out and I just cant. I don't even know where to begin. Nothing I could write would make any sense. Shiloh is overwhelmed. 

lost

Sometimes I just feel so lost. I don't even have a clue who I am. 

Going home

I will be heading back home on Wednesday. It's strange. I spent most of my vacation trapped in the middle of nowhere but I actually kinda had fun. It has been good just to get away and clear my head some. Not really sure that I am ready to go back to work but who ever is? 

Gone too long

I clearly have been gone from Arkansas for a long time. Last  night I went out to eat with my family and I was awestruck. I haven't seen that many people wearing camo since I was in the army. I saw more cowboy hats and John Deere caps then I knew were in existence. I was amazed at how different I saw things. Have I really been gone that long? Wow. Just wow. I never realized how country Fayetteville was, well is. The funny things is I know people who wont live in Fayetteville because it is too city. Anyway....

I am evil. Why you ask? I love it. LOVE it that Michael Phelps was busted for weed. I cant stand that guy. I think the whole 8 medals thing was a joke. No way you will convince me that he won the 7th. They gave it to him so he could get 8. It was a sham. I think it is just great now that they are going to rip him to shreds for this. Justice.